The Devil Still Has My Lawnmower & Other Tales of the Weird Read online

  * * *

  “And that, Steve,” said Jim years later from his driveway, “is why I can't sell my 8-ball to you.”

  “Because it reminds you of the day you found out that your parents were wizards?” asked Steve.

  “That,” replied Jim, “And the fact that it's my responsibility now. Nobody gets away with hijacking my consciousness and trying to take over my family.”

  “What about the Ouija board?” asked Steve.

  “Sally had it framed. Apparently, the spirit trapped inside dealt with what he called 'special, sensitive matters' back in the old days when Russian royal families were still in power.”

  “What kind of 'special, sensitive matters?'” asked Steve.

  “Marriage counseling,” said Jim. “Sally keeps it around for relationship advice.”

  “Rough,” said Steve. “Well, if you didn't want to sell your 8-ball, how did it end up in your garage sale?”

  “It does that,” said Jim. “It's been trying to get away for years. It even tried to hitch a lift in my ex's car when she tried to run off in the middle of the night. Boy, that was an awkward negotiation. In the end, I had to give her my dog.”

  “Do you think it will ever get away?” asked Steve. “Will it ever be loose on the world again?”

  “I don't know,” said Jim. “Why not ask it? What do you think 8-ball, will you ever get away from my custody? Or will you forever serve your imprisonment, constantly under my watch, until you've wasted away into a pile of dust?”

  Steve shook the 8-ball. A single message popped up on its window:

  MY SOURCES SAY

  FUCK YOU.

  The Ancient Persian